12) "I’m a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body!"
(One girl’s conclusion about why she can’t get a boyfriend.)

15) "My computer is not gay, okay?!"
(On the fact that her computer is named Jason. The computer is not gay. Jason is.)

16) "He gets the sticks and the fucks all mixed up."
(There was this quote, about a guy doing a stick up, and he got confused, and ... never mind.)

19) "I don’t remember how to score!"
(Darts! Really, it was at darts!)

21) "What are you going to do with that, you don’t even have a stick!"
(Umm ... um ... never mind.)

22) "You’re so anti-sex that when you actually have sex with a guy, it won’t have actually happened! When a guy has sex with you, you’ll actually gain your virginity! Again!"
(Why someone can’t get a guy. Again.)

29) "You just can’t wait to get your hands on that stick!"
(She likes to play pool . . .)

30) "Okay, Jason, time for you to come out. NOT LIKE THAT!"
(A continuation of the gay computer comment . . .)

31) "Are you going to want him for anything or can I have him after dinner?"
(The COMPUTER!)

33) "Isn’t it amazing what I can do in a car?"
(Okay, look. We were driving around in the middle of nowhere. DRIVING!!)

44) "I don’t think you can rape yourself."
(Well, I don’t think you can. Really.)

51) "If the two of you are lesbian lovers I should know so that I can . . . do nothing about it!"
(One of those sentences that should never have been started.)

57) "[She] doesn't cost anything."
(I think she meant . . . Money can't buy her. Or something.)

61) "It's not very attractive when you come at me with your tongue out."
(Ummm . . . this is another one of these I'm just not gonna touch.)

62) "Does anyone else wanna feel me?!"
(Well, she was wearing a silk-embroidered shirt ...)

69)"Explodey has a whole different meaning in that sense."
(Self-explanatory. Or if not, I don't feel like going into it.)

70) "Doing it on Jason is a lot more appealing than doing it on Tomo."
(Writing. Would you believe it was writing?)

73) "I didn't ask where they were last night because with Heather and Amanda . . . oops. Wrong couple!"
(Lesbian oil cam!)

75) "Do the thing you did last night. Just don't choke this time."
(Oooooookay, then.)

76)"HEY! We're desprate for a screw over here!"
(I'm sure you are.)

78)"Hey, we never did have the wild passionate sex!"
"We figured we'd leave that to the two of them....and the sea otter . . ."
(There's just something fundamentally wrong with that . . .)

80)"You don't want to know how many weird positions I had to get in to get everybody to fit."
(Ummmm . . . family photo? Maybe? Thingie?)

87) "It won't work if you don't get your fingers in the right place!"
(These things are never as funny when you realize what they were actually talking about -- in this case, gloves.)

89) "And if you don't like it, you can suck my nonexistent dick."
(Uh, yeah.)

95) "How did I get the role? I slept with Gene Roddenberry." -- John deLancie
(Eheh.)

96) "The best thing about having an action figure is being able to play with yourself." -- Bob Picardo
(And again I say ... eheh.)

100) "They just fling it out and do it anywhere."
(Ummm ... she was talking about the thing you think, but not the act you think ... uh ... yeah.)

102) "Will you do me?"
(A sentence that kinda needed to be finished ...)

108) "You tell me to do my homework, and then you molest me!"
(Do you really want to know? I mean ... really?)

124) "How much screwing do they think we need?!"
(Umm ... you don't want me to answer that.)

133) "Is that a banana in your pocket or do you just want to play with my glass menagerie?"
(I don't know. I really don't. But it was funny. Admit it.)

135) "His preferences are as of yet undetermined."
"Oh, you mean he's trysexual."
(Riiiight.)

138) "I have to do my homework, and we need to go to Walmart. These are not activities I want to do while horny!"
(Well ... would you?)

148) "The fan just tried to give me a blow job!"
(o.O;)

158) "There is nothing sexual about muffins!"

166) "Your alignment is good at several speeds."
(That's good to know.)

169) "You need another ball."

170) "What's wrong with Uranus?"
(Wrong ... wrong, on so many levels.)

193) "It's a one-eye fetish."
(Someone likes pirates. A lot.)

199) "You're awake enough to be feeling kinky?"

210) "Circle K -- we do it for free!"
(All right!)

211) "His thingie's just wrong!"
(And so is this quote.)

244) "You don't want to suck that right now."
(Wrong, wrong, wrong . . .)

253) "Nothing's more dangerous than a short hobbit with a big sword."
"Oh God."
(Indeed.)

256) "Sounds like someone was having a little too much fun with sheep that night."
(Yikes.)

257) "I didn't lick anything of Kenshin's. That would be a good image!"
(Mmmm . . . Kenshin)

262) "I could listen to him read a phone book, sure, but there are a lot of better things he could be reading. I'd rather listen to him read... oh, say..."
"The Kama Sutra?"
(Sounds good to me.)

278) "You have more important things to do right now than me."

288) "Why are you dismayed? Because I offered your sister sexual favors or because it involved nonexistent dicks?"
(Way too much information!)

289) "So does that mean we're not gonna have an orgy?"
(Awwwww.)

298) "You can chew on it if you want, but don't suck on it - that's gross."
(Ew.)

311) "I can finger myself in class!"
(She discovered she had a small hole in her pants.)

314) "By we, I mean myself and my banana."

315) "No one's a porn supporting player."
(They're always called porn stars, get it?)

317) "Can we lose our virginity again? Because I think mine's growing back."

321) "I'm just not gonna comment on the carrot-shaped thing because oh my God."
(And I won't comment on this.)

333) "Dangling bits just aren't that entertaining unless you're doing something with them."
(Oy.)

341) "I'll screw until I can't screw anymore!"
(x_x)

354) "But do you think I'll need an escort serivce? Wait, that came out all wrong."

360) "I entrust you with the safety of these nuts."

375) "He's so big; I'm trying to figure out where to put him."
(She was talking about a giant cardboard cut out of Jack Sparrow. He just keeps popping up everywhere on this list.)

376) "So, am I lesbian in disguise or what?"
(I don't know, but if you have to ask other people, you have PROBLEMS!)

377) "Sorry I couldn't get it up for you."
(When Cable Repair people go brain dead.)

396) "That's a whole new meaning to 'keeping it in your pants'!"
(Because if you don't keep that drawstring away from the cats, you'll have issues.)

397) "Okay, that was zero to 69 in sixty seconds."

402) "I got confused, trying to remember which guy to do when."
(Contra dancing can be complicated. ^_^;)

406) "Can you stop with religion already? It's making it hard for us to fuck."

408) "His libido sounds like Sean Connery."
(Doesn't every man's?)

412) "Do not write porn on our fridge!"
(Adventures in magnetic poetry.)

416) "Oh my God, speaking of deviant sexual acts..."
(Do we really want to know what would come after that?)

418) "I can't write porn while I eat muffins."

427) "It's sensual in a psychotic way."

435) "I made the improper assumption."
(Contra dancing leads to so many interesting phrases.)

436) "It's not my fault that the minute he heard I was single, he was on top of me!"

440) "Yes, Tomamasa, you're a fecking idiot, and you need to keep it in your kimono."

443) "It's not like I've got sex toys stashed in a drawer."
"No, they're hanging on the wall."
(Sometimes, you can just see a perfect one coming. ^_^)

451) "Guys don't play with these things."
"That's because if guys were playing with it, they'd just play with the girls and keep taking off the clothes."

452) "If that's all set, then you can ... FUCK ME!"
(*snickers* Oops.)

457) "When you go out in that dress...take it off."
(When interjections go wrong.)

472) "So that's why he comes over here."
"Yeah, he gts wrestled to the floor by two women every night."

476) "I can't leave Jason turned on all night, he gets too hot."
(How on earth did we leave *that* out?! Anyway, another laptop comment.)

479)"Ok, now how about doing something useful, like saving that guy's ass?"
"...For himself?"

481) "I can't believe you're calling it a dick fight! They're not fighting to prove whose equipment is bigger, they're fighting because they're two testosterone-laden idiots who are trying to prove that...um..."
"See? It's a dick fight!"
"...Okay, but it's not a conscious thing!"
(*giggles*)

482) "Come over here so I can do things to you."

483) "Getting into position for this is so bad..."

484) "I have props; that makes it easier."
(o.O;;;)

487) "My life would be a lot more interesting if I had a knack for beguiling innocent young men."

488) "She's suffering from a horrible bout of flying lust."
(Oooh, that sounds bad. I think.)

497) "I have all sorts of fun toys I can cheer you up with."
(*dies laughing*)

498) "I'm doing two at once. Doesn't that excite you?"
(Ugh.)

505) "When I like something, I tend to like it hard."

507) "I was thinking more along the lines of drug-addled crack whores."
(Are you often drawn to those lines of thought?)

510) "I'd bother her, but it would involve groping you."

512) "If this keeps up, we're all gonna be naked."
(Woo hoo!)

515) "I think you need a hardcore drug addiction and some kinky sexual fetishes, too. How about being a furry dominatrix?"
(*dies*)

516) "Whatever it was I said, it was kinky."
(I'm sure.)

527) "Maybe you're pregnant."
"God, I hope not. What would I tell my wife?"

529) "What? Do you suck off a lot of celery?"
(.... ew.)

531) "There was nothing sexual about that. They just wanted to go play with their sticks and balls."

555) "So, you think you might have injured your hip going after one of my balls?"
(Ping pong. It was ping pong. Really.)

556) "Oh my God, now I can't feel my nipples!"
(The roller coaster shook her to death.)

566) "Maybe I should just stick to groping. At least the shrieks are satisfying."
(o.O;)

568) "I don't understand why anybody would want to run around showing their boxers."
"Actually, they were briefs."
"That's even worse!"

569) "I'm getting Snood-shagged!"
(Oh no!)

570) "Come, [name]! Get inside me!"
(............. The Haunted Mine Ride, okay? And this was NOT me!)

594) "Why are you trying to undress me?! Go away!"

621) "... once you're done pillaging the nuts."
(o.O;;;)

628) "Hold that thought. I'm vibrating."
(Ah, living in the information age ... It was his cell phone, okay? Okay.)

631) "It's like having sex with a jack-in-the-box!"
("Hickory smoked is so crazy! What's wrong with you???")

633) "It takes a lot to ring my bells."
(That sounds like a personal problem.)

636) "I either get a guy with his pants off, or the only girl in the world I don't want to see with her pants off."
(A rock and a hard place.)

637) “Why do I keep coming back to the half naked men?”
(Do you REALLY have to ask that?)

638) “Excuse me while I strip without taking my clothes off.”
(Doesn’t that take all fun out of it?)

641) "We’re thinking about going out clubbing."
"I did that this weekend!"
"Yes, I know. And I know what came of it."
"Yes -- me, several times!"

643) "Yeah, I'd love to look after your pussies ... Oh my God."
(Meow?)

650) "Food!"
"Clothing?"
"Mmm ... nipples."

657) "So, that's what the flower symbolizes: a gay orgy!"
(Of course!)

658) "I used your thingie as a thingie."
(Well, so long as you cleaned it afterwards ...)

664) "The stick is hard; I don't like playing with it!"
(Oh dear.)

669) "Stupid breasts and their anti-tickle waves!"
(Just don't ask. x_x)

679) "Hey! You do not get to lick my cleavage!"
(Aw, you're no fun.)

681) "We are the sort of good friends who can suggest things of the other person in utmost love and affection. In privacy, of course. I would hardly yell, 'HEY HOW ARE YOU, YOU VILLAGE BICYCLE YOU,' if I saw you at the mall."
(............. o.O;)

695) "I have a lot of touch-me feel-me clothes."
(Woo hoo!)

703) X-Men describing their powers:
"I can blow things up with my eyes. I can control metal. I'm super healy. I can turn my penis purple!"
(I think someone got the short end of the stick.)

708) "Sorry to break up your erotic cheese fantasies."

715) "And last I checked, I don't breathe from my vagina."
(Well, I hope not!)

717) "Well, her tongue is one of ways she experiences the world."
(The dog! We were talking about the dog!)

722) "Your penis is hiccuping! Let some air out!"
(This is not quite as wrong as it sounds. They were talking about a penis-mobile.)

734) "What? I'm not making love to a corpse? Where am I?"
(... There's just really nothing I can say to that.)

736) "At that point you could reach, but you wouldn't know what to do with it!"
(Yes. Yes, it is wrong.)

737) "Is this a practical application of our earlier discussion?"
(All) "WHAT?!"
"Not that discussion!"
(What can I say? Our minds are in the gutter.)

738) "Death by porn?"
"That's not a withering death - more of a sticky, gross death."

741) "So, apparently, I can recognize my own porn."
(Well, I would hope so!)

742) "I have no idea what's going on here."
"Well, at the moment ... porn."
(This is just a smutty update.)

746) "Just wait until he's 18; you'll be perving along with everyone else."
"Yeah, but I'll feel bad about it."

747) "Now see, you wouldn't see genitalia on American money."

748) "Do you want to send out a group e-mail, or shall I?"
"If I do it I'll either forget, do it wrong, or accidentally attach porn to it. So you go ahead."

752) "He's bleeding! What were they going to say?! 'Sorry, things got a little rough during our wild man sex?'"
(Would you believe this was regarding an episode of 24? Well, believe it!)

Back home